Note: This is the first of a two-part Saturday Series post by Spanish Pinay. Enjoy!
Since we got pregnant, we’ve received a lot of unsolicited parenting advice.
Many of which seems to be how we, the new parents, can defend ourselves from a “manipulative” and smart little creature: our baby girl.
Here are some of the well-meaning advice given to us:
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Only feed every 2-3 hours.
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Don’t take her in your arms every time she cries, she’ll get used to it and will learn how to manipulate you.
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Never, ever put her to bed with you no matter how much she cries. She’ll never get out of your bed until she gets married.
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Train her to soothe herself to sleep. Let her cry and sooner or later she’ll fall asleep.
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Take this book (from Estivil the Spanish version of Ferber), I swear it worked for us and a lot of parents we know.
Although we believed in these, we couldn’t really do any of them.
We were naturally taken towards doing the opposite.
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I couldn’t maintain a 2-3 hour interval for feeding nor could I resist not feeding her whenever she cried and asked for mami’s breasts.
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I couldn’t resist taking her in my arms every time she started fussing. Hubby felt the same way.
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At 4 months, when I was already able to lie sideways (after a C-section), we began co-sleeping. We loved the first experience so much that since then, we’ve been co-sleeping with our girl who is nearly 2.
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I nurse or rock her in my arms until she falls asleep. And if she wakes up, we start the nursing and rocking all over again.
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She particularly liked how hubby would rock her to sleep – he seems to have a specific rhythm mami does not.
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The stroller was her enemy so I carried her everywhere with my baby sling.
For a time, we worried about how we were as parents.
I was thinking that we may be harming her development – rather than helping her – until we came across the term: attachment parenting.
After reading up on it, we discovered that all along, we were practicing its basic principles.
Another realization I had was that I was actually doing what my mom did for all 6 of us siblings.
Back then, there were no parenting books or internet to teach parents what to expect and how to sleep or potty train a child, but she did exceptionally well. It’s great to take after my mom.
She defines what it is to be a natural mom.
Learning about attachment parenting helped us validate the type of parenting we’ve chosen.
Not that we’re looking for a label, but knowing that we’re not alone with the type of parenting we favor has given us more confidence as parents.
So what is attachment parenting? Read more about this new yet old parenting style next week!
I’m kind of old school so I don’t know much about attachment parenting. I think parents should do whatever works for their family! It sounds like you are a wonderful mama!
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Twitter: ErinPatrick
I actually had not heard of attachment parenting until Spanish Pinay mentioned it to me. But yes, it’s best to do what works for you. Thanks for dropping by. Erin.
I agree with Erin–Do what WORKS!!
Even between my own children I used differant techniques.
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Sometimes I feel like it would be great to have a one-size-fits-all solution to parenting… but that’s just called wishful thinking (or feeling).
Oh how I can relate to what you’ve written here. We got all the same advice from none other than our own parents. The thing is, I’ve always wanted my children to know they can count on me when they need something from me. I have felt our relationship and bond is stronger as a result of these choices. Do I let them get away with whatever they want or manipulate me? No. But I do know the difference between what they truly need emotionally and physically and what they want from a purely “selfish desire.”
My babies were only babies for a short time. I have no regrets for all the hugs and snuggles and bonding I had with them. I have no regrets for allowing them both to sleep with my husband and I on the nights they struggled with nightmares. I have no regrets for allowing them to breastfeed when they needed to. Even if it was just for comfort on their part. I have an amazing bond with my girls and I believe it’s because of the choices we made when they were babies. It worked for us, despite our parents trying to find opportunities to tell us our kids are spoiled from all the attention we gave them. They’re good kids with big hearts.
Great topic of discussion here!
~Rosann
Twitter: ChrstianSuprMom
Agree with you there – kids are only young once so showering them with love and affecting is a good thing.
I’m all for attachment parenting too and have been doing it with my 3 kids. I do know when she is being manipulative and really needing my attention and act accordingly.
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It’s interesting to learn that you use this parenting style. I know who to ask should I have questions.
Thanks for dropping by, Dominique.
I remember reading all that advise in all the parenting sites online with my first. I took it so seriously with my first. He didn’t have the best year of his life. I stopped nursing early (poor latch caused me to think I didn’t make enough milk, which I was BECAUSE of a poor latch, not to mention PAIN), then I fed him like clockwork every 3 to 4 hours on formula (Another long story of heart ache there). I didn’t pick him up RIGHT away when he cried, blah blah basically all of the above. Funny thing, with my second I just did whatever. I threw away all my old thoughts and just “went with it”. He is now a almost exclusively breastfed (STILL!!) at a few weeks from 18 months (crazy!), chunky, HAPPY, fed whenever he wants kid. Starts sleeping in his crib at night and ends up co-sleeping with me the rest of the night. Naps in our bed too. I also don’t stress over potty training my first, it will come whenever.
I find I am enjoying being a mother more with my second then I ever did with my first. Which is interesting, because with my second I am giving up a lot of MY TIME, my bed, and gosh I really do feed him every hour… hehe But it works out so beautifully. Ok, I’ll stop writing now. haha Great post! 
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Haha, thanks for that Sarah! Always love your comments
And it seems like when parents are more relaxed, everything goes better for them. So it’s nice to hear that you are having much more fun second time around. We can’t always be too rigid about parenting – well, there are some things we need to be strict about but you get the picture.
you have to do wat works and for me it was attached parenting
It Could Happen to Anyone
That’s a great point to stress because Attachment Parenting may not be for everyone!
I completely agree about finding what works for you and your family. And as parents we always have to be vigilant about knowing what is truly meeting a need, and what is indulging a child’s testing/capriciousness. It is often a fine line, as is different for every combination of adult and child.
As the author of the post A Mom’s Night Out, A Hangover and Longing to Seize the Moment, I think we mothers get in to trouble when we are not only attached to but subsumed by our child. So much that we don’t eat or drink properly. We haven’t had a decent rest in months if not years. We don’t enjoy certain grooming or even hygienic rituals. We neither nourish our bodies, nor our souls.
We feel guilty and almost afraid to take time for ourselves.
And then we feel lost, angry and even somewhat resentful.
I hope that women will do what is best for their babies and for their families. It is joyous to be a mother. It can be so fulfilling to care for one’s family – to keep a baby happy and healthy and loved.
I just hope that we mothers can keep ourselves in the equation.
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That’s a very valuable reminder, Keesha. And it’s applicable for everything else in life whether you’re a stay at home mom or one who works in an office, you have to care for yourself.
It’s so easy to put family and work before you but… you end up with a lot of resentment.
I still remember when I discovered AP–I was so relieved to learn that others felt like me, since most of the people around me didn’t! I still got crazy looks from other moms when I wore my toddler in my Ergo–the idea of not using a stroller was just too far out, I guess.
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I give moms crazy looks when they let their child run off the center aisle at church! But strapping kiddos close to you? No biggie. I actually used to carry mine in the mall when he was younger, his stroller carried our shopping bags.
That’s one of the reasons why my husband and I chose to live on our own. We wanted to learn the ropes of parenting by ourselves.
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I’m glad to hear that – and often, we feel inadequate as parents when others “step in” trying to help.
If you visit the Smart Parenting forum, some moms start worrying about their children’s development because her mom, mother in law, aunt or whoever would comment something like, “at this age you kid should be like this…” –
And this is what causes unnecessary stress especially in first time parents so good for you that you and your husband are on your own!
We are attachment parents too! I don’t believe our babies have learned to manipulate us either. I think it gives them a sense of stability. I don’t believe it works with all parents though and they need to do what works for them….
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Exactly, it’s different for every family! Thanks for stopping by and hope to see you around here more, have a great weekend!
I’ve always believed that you should use whatever fits your child’s personality. Some kids are independent enough to do things on their own therefore they need less supervision.
Some may need mommy more for encouragement. Whatever it is, parents should provide a nurturing environment with the goal of guiding children to be the best they can be.
So if attachment parenting works for your child, use it. If authoritative does, stick with it. Whatever floats your boat – or your child’s development.
Thanks for part 1 of your guest post, Spanish Pinay!
As a child psychologist myself, one of the things that is so misleading about attachment parenting is the name. It is only called attachment parenting because of the theory it was based upon. It is not called this because it is the only form of parenting which allows parents to develop a secure attachment relationship with their children. There are numerous ways to develop a secure attachment relationship with our kids. I explore more of this myth here for anyone who is interested:
http://www.themommypsychologist.com/2012/04/15/what-does-the-mommy-psychologist-have-to-say-about-attachment-parenting/
Thank you so much for clearing that up and recommending a link. Could you share your thoughts on part 2 of the post? It’s live on the blog now.
Hope you’re enjoying your weekend!
As a mama of 6 kids, every book I read about parenting, every person that gave me advice, did not work for all my kids. Each of them are different in ther own way, and I am from the old school with parenting, I know the cries when they are babies, you have to start when they are small with soothing, hungry, wanting to just get picked up. I am not knocking the way that some people parent, but for me it was old school, even the books got me mixed up. Another good post Anne.
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You do what you feel is right for your family – and that’s why in our about page, there’s a disclaimer (that isn’t really labeled but it is one) at the bottom that says the advice given here don’t and won’t always work for everyone. I’m glad you found a parenting style that works for you and thanks for your sweet words!
I enjoyed your post and I realize we practiced the same type of parenting you did.. it drove me nuts to be told to let my sweet baby cry and she will fall asleep. It drove me nuts to even try so I never let her cry. She slept with us for many years and so did her sister when she came along.. they are 13 and 16 now and still sleep with me once in a while
You just gotta do what works for you, and love them.
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Glad you enjoyed Spanish Pinay’s post. It’s always great when moms share their experiences because in the end, what we learn is (and am quoting you): You just gotta do what works for you.
To me, AP made so much sense. And every now and then, I see our investments paying back!
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Twitter: next9baby
Jen, thank you SO much for stopping by. And it’s nice to hear that you can see the effects of attachment parenting paying off! Woohoo
In case you want to follow up on this, part 2 is now live on the blog. Happy Sunday!
I definitely believe on each doing what’s best for each but there is always a big BUT to it which would require a whole article to discuss it. I might start a big debate on what I am about to say… but I do believe that AP is for EVERYBODY. More than a pareting style or a set of rules to follow when it comes to parenting, AP is not really all that. AP is not about “if you don’t breastfeed, you’ll never be an attached parent” nor “if you don’t babywear, you will never create a good relationship with your children nor “if you don’t co-sleep, you’ll never build that a strong, confident and loving child” etc, etc. I must admit that there are zealous “AP parent” that treat AP as some sort of religion that claims that the only salvation is through their religion. This has often cause debates and parents berating other parents because of their parenting choices. This kind of happen to other parents as well that swear by the effectiveness of cry-it-out method that they would insist that this is the only way you can “teach” your child to let you get your good night sleep and that this actually help the child. And if you don’t do it, you’ll get different name-calling. etc. AP is just a principle or a state of mind where in we can base our decisions about parenting and treating our children… more on this on the second part post!
Spanish Pinay
Quest Post re Attachment Parenting
Twitter: Spanish_Pinay
What an amazing post, Marilou! Thank you, Anne, for having Spanish Pinay…her words are so relevant for parents who are struggling with which “parenting style” they should follow. I like to tell parents that if they read 100 parenting books by experts, they would have 100 different parenting approaches…and all would be right and all would be wrong, depending on each individual child and parents.
So what should a new parent do? As some of the other commenters said, do what works for you! I don’t believe you can “spoil” a child, if you are doing what feels right to you…and if co-sleeping or sitting in a rocking chair with a child snuggled in your arms, singing lullabies half the night (yes, I did that sometimes) comforts you and your baby, then you are not spoiling…spoiling a child is when you are doing something for the child (like giving a toy when they demand it and you don’t think they should have it)that you don’t really want to do.
Sorry for the long response…this is a topic with many opinions…and I think it is good to discuss it…because sometimes it can be helpful to hear suggestions…but then for each parent to do what works for them.
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Vivian! You are most welcome and there is no need for an apology for the length of your comment! It’s perfect.
It’s nice to have such a great discussion on parenting styles- whether one uses it or not. What’s important, and am only echoing you along with the other’s, is to do what works for you.
Hope you’re having a great weekend and hope to see you more around here. Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s too bad I have to work for a living…I wish I could spend more time, reading and commenting on the amazing blogs that are out there (like yours!)…but my husband says I do have to sleep at least a couple of hours each night.
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Twitter: viviankirkfield
Vivian this made me laugh! Yes, you’re husband is right, you must sleep. Feel free to come back here anytime
All of our kids spent time sleeping in our bed. They all turned out to be great kids. What more can I say!
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Haha, that’s wonderful to hear, Becky! Some parents should just relax when it comes to some things… it makes them better parents too.
It was so fun to have my kids there. But, I know some parents don’t like it. Last Wednesday I posted a picture of my friend in bed with her toddler. They were both sound asleep and the mother had been pushed clear to the very edge of her bed by the sleeping toddler…very funny and very true!
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Twitter: BeckyJane_
I didn’t realize how I raised my four children was called Attachment Parenting. Nice post thank you!
Hi Jalynn, glad you like the post. Please stay tuned for part 2 coming on Saturday. You may want to follow us: Mailing List, RSS, Facebook, G+ or Twitter so we can let you know when it’s out.
What a great way to think about responsive parenting. Babies need this to learn security and confidence.
Twitter: AskDocG
Thanks so much for dropping by Dr. G and reinforcing attachment parenting.
Hi Anne,
This is such a coincidence. It was today while travelling, this topic about parenting struck me and I was going to research about it. I know where can we research now
Regards: Sajiv.
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Hi Sajiv, really appreciate you dropping by! Yes yes, please come back here anytime you want. There’s a search box at the footer in case you’re looking for anything specific. Cheers!
I think I too practice this but didn’t know it’s called AP. =)
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Haha, Irene. It’s normal I suppose since I didn’t know much about it until now.
Happy Sunday to you and have a wonderful week ahead.