Note: This is the second part of the Saturday Series post by Spanish Pinay. Part 1 is here. Enjoy!
So what’s attachment parenting?
It’s a parenting philosophy based on attachment theory in developmental psychology. The phrase was coined by the pediatrician William Sears. [Source]
Attachment theory, originally proposed by John Bowlby, states that an infant needs to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development to occur normally.
The term may be new but the parenting style is based on the way our ancestors handled parenting.
Here are other things I learned from my reading:
- Building trust. When babies cry – actually a survival tool – and adults respond to it, the former learns to trust the latter. This is because crying is a communication tool and being responsive to the tears means you are communicating.[Source]
- Children are born loving, innocent and trusting. All parents need to do is sustain and nurture this, instead of “turning them around” by teaching them life is difficult. [Source]
- “We recognize that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us – if we listen – what love is.” [Source]
Though you can find tons of definitions on the internet, I have learned that AP is all about being there for your child day-in and day-out:
- Trusting your child
- Observing his cues
- Understanding his language
- Respecting and attending to his needs as soon as possible
- Respecting his pace: not pushing him, and
- Trusting my instincts
For me, the best and most rewarding benefit of AP…
Was when my daughter was an infant – she learned how to trust us.
Now, she trusts that we’re here and are always ready to attend to her needs.
She in return learned to trust in her own ability to give cues.
It’s a slow process and I must admit, there are times when I questioned myself whether we’re doing the right thing but our instinct as parents allow us to continue.
Now that she’s two, she has become a very compassionate child.
She pays attention to how people react and gets affected when someone is hurt or is feeling bad.
She’s a child full of affection.
Once, her godparent’s dog growled at her when she was attempting to hug him - he was grouchy at that time and didn’t want to play with her.
She suddenly stopped, looked at him seriously and said:
“Don’t growl. I love you very much!”
My heart melted.
Also, everytime her toy would fall, she’d let out a very affectionate “awwww,” pick it up quickly and then say:
“Don’t worry. I love you very much!”
She has I-love-yous for everybody!
To end this article, I’d like to leave this link for everybody to read.
It’s a great example of how AP can help a parent or caregiver connect with children so they can attend to their needs.
Warning: This real life story will make your heart swell and you cry.
Here’s a teaser of this wonderful article:
“My daughter never cried alone, left in a room. Had I ever practiced CIO (cry it out), I would have woken to a lifeless baby. I held her through months of gut wrenching doubt, moments when I cried too. But today, I watch my daughter play and run, and laugh. I carried her through a mom’s worst nightmare… and we both survived.”
Interesting. I read the attached story. WOW. I have to admit, a mothers instinct is best. Baby’s do cry for a reason.
I think I practice a form of attachment parenting with my second, 18 months. (I don’t wear him much anymore) He sleeps with us at night, and never “cries” long at all. He can just coo at night and I’ll know the sound that means he wants to eat. He is a much happier baby then my first was.
Sadly my first got a mom going through a stage of dying to self. Sad sad. He was also a child that could not poop without my help for 11 months.. Food was hard on him, formulas all hard on him. It was a hard year. I wish I had known about wearing him, like I did with my second in my Boba and Wrap. I think Jeremiah would have benefited SO greatly from that!
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I guess new parents go through tough times and that’s okay – it happens. At least now you’re a much more relaxed mom, right?
Completely.
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I think I am a little in both camps. While I think it’s ok to let a child cry for about 5 minutes, I would never let them just cry until they were just too exhausted. I have 6 kids and everyone was different. What worked for one didn’t necessarily work for the other. I know that by the time the 6th one was born, I was a much more relaxed mom and that made such a difference. Thanks so much for sharing!
~Erin
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Agree with you that you should do what works. Parents should always think long and hard about how they should raise their kids – and not just follow parenting books and articles blindly
Thanks for being part of this series, Erin. And for sharing what you’re great insights
I enjoyed the 2nd part of this post, I am still old school parenting, but for me each baby is different and has different needs, fo instance, I have 5 boys who I did everything old school, the different cries, did not sleep in the bed with me, went down for a nap etc. With my last baby who just turned 2, its a complete new parenti ng, i was more of a vetern mama, didnt have grandmas in my face telling me what to do, so I did what I thought was best for her, and it was a different parenting skill. This is a great post Anne I really enjoyed both of these writings.
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Pamela, it’s nice to learn that you are using different parenting styles for all kids.
When I started parenting, it seemed like there was a cookie-cutter style to be used for all kids. But then I started understanding that each person is unique and requires a different approach- you have just confirmed that (along with the other moms who have said what you have too) and I really hope new moms can learn from this!
I never never let my DH CIO. I just couldn’t! He was a preemie with severe reflux, and if I had listened to what people told me (I was a paranoid first-time parent, etc.), I don’t know where we’d be today since he was hospitalized soon after we brought him home and few times after that, all for things that might not have been noticed right away if I hadn’t been with him so much.
That being said, I think napping with him/holding him as much as I could, wearing him around the house, has made us very close. He’s 8 now and has just been diagnosed with other medical issues, including bilateral hearing loss. He’s taking everything in stride and with confidence, and I’d like to think it’s in part due to how much trust he built in his early years that someone would always be there for him and support him and his needs.
Now, my DD is a totally different story, and that’s how I realized that every child really is different and needs different parenting. She has no interest in sleeping with us and is fiercely independent, but we are always quick to reassure her if she ever needs it. I hope we’ll have the same close relationship with her as we do with our son, even if we aren’t “there” as much as we were with him.
Great article!
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Thank you for sharing your story and I really hope other parents read what you say – but doesn’t necessarily mean that they should practice attachment parenting.
As always, parents should do what works for them.
I’m not really sure what other kind of parenting there is? It sounds so unnatural to not do exactly what you described.
Patching
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There are other types of parenting styles out there. Was watching something on discovery channel once where they tested several approaches with infants.
The one that stood out the most was when parents were told to ignore the cries of an infant. I don’t think I could do that – but that’s just me. If it’s something other parents believe in, they are of course, free to do it.
Babies are only small for a short time, and we need to pack so much love and attention in! Now that my kids are older, I miss that time to snuggle and hold them close. I’m glad I didn’t miss a bit when they were little!
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That’s true! I don’t think I’d be able to hug and squeeze my kiddo when he reaches his pre teens!
We have six children and each of them have been so different and we have parented them different I never let them cio either as wee babes but when they hit around a year I like Erin have let one cry for a few minutes to see what would happen. By a year old I know this is a tired cry a hurt cry an angry cry, and respond accordingly. When they are newborn the crying sounds much the same and I would never let them cry as I said I’d wait till they were a year and if I knew it was a tired cry I’d put them down and within a couple of minutes they were sleeping.
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Did you know that a few people have found ways to “decode” infants? A lady (forget her name) was able to identify sounds babies make when they are either hungry, tired, bored, etc.
Another lady (whom I’ve met online) is Vivien Sabel.
Oh, I know this lady. I’ve read about her and she guested on Oprah too. It was amazing and made a lot of sense to me. I just hope I was able to learn this when our little one was still an infant. I’m pretty sure it will be very useful. When I’ve read about this and seen the Oprah show, I was even more amazed how smart babies are! They do know what they need, and how to communicate… we parents just need to learn and tune ourselves so we can understand their ways. When we try to ignore our baby’s cries, parents most especially moms, later on lose this natural ability of decoding our baby’s way of communicating to us.
Spanish Pinay
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We LOVE attachment parenting and all its principles!
Though we’re not consistent in applying each and every one ALL the time, we do try to apply it whenever and wherever! 
Esp. when it comes to babywearing, breastfeeding and co-sleeping! 
Love the posts on AP! 
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That sounds great! I don’t think you have to follow everything about a particular style, you just kind of pick the best principles and go from there
As a new Grandmother, I totally agree with this post
I have a feeling that it will be very different than raising my children. Consistency,love,and trust certainly worked for me. Great post!
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Glad you enjoyed this post from Spanish Pinay! And yes, all those things you mentioned is what every child needs
Welcome to Green Eggs & Moms and hope to see you more here, Rhonda!
Hi! Thanks for you visit. Great post and love the focus of your blog. It really is providing some excellent information for new parents.:) Have a blessed day!
~Sherlinda
You might appreciate another blog of mine: http://www.DrinkYourGreensandMinerals.com
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Sherlinda,
Thank you for your kind words! The goal really is to give parents the information they want (or need)
Hope to see you more here and have a great week ahead!
Anne
Yeah for attachment parenting! I was just called by TIME Magazine about a photo shoot for an article on Dr. Sears that hits newstands this Thursday, so my mind is all over this subject!
Warmest regards,
Joy
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wow, that’s lovely! I would love to see your photos on TIME magazine. I read Dr. Sears often
Spanish Pinay
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Anne… I guess you can say that I have practiced this, especially with my five year old. She slept right next to me the first six months of her life in a co-sleeper, and never leaves my side. Although I am excited for her to start Kinder in three months.. I have this suspicious feeling that I am going to have a hard time with it. Blessings to you always!!
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