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6 Ways to Build Harmonious Sibling Relationships Amongst Toddlers

May 4, 2012 by 37 Comments

Guest post by Jenny Reyes

Note from Anne: Whether or not you have toddlers, this is an excellent read.

I’ll tell you why. 

It goes without saying that the tips are incredibly insightful, but the examples of sisterly love are inspiring and heart-warming!

It’s amazing how a mom can teach little tots to have big hearts. 

Be ready to come let a couple of “Aww’s” out.

As a mom of two girls that are close in age, I am on a mission to ensure they grow up to have a solid, harmonious, loving, and loyal relationship with one another.

We parents do our best and yet there is no secret recipe to guarantee such an outcome.

Nonetheless we need to try anyway.

I have only been at this “harmonious relationship” business for the last thirteen months. So far so good: the girls still have most of the hair on their heads and my eardrums are still intact.

How do I manage to keep things amicable?

Napping toddlers

Here are 6 guiding principles I follow to build and reinforce a strong bond between my girls:

1. Rules are rules, regardless of age (and capacity to understand)

Every child in the household, no matter what age, must abide by the same set of rules.

Why?

Because it is confusing to the older siblings when the younger ones “get away” with certain things.

The explanation, “It’s okay she’s only a baby,” doesn’t fly. Neither is it fair to them (the older children). So even if packing away is a concept beyond the realm of your 4-month old’s understanding, teach it nonetheless.

In our home, Sam could see that 6-month old Jamie was also told to take turns and to share – even if I physically did the actions for her.

What was important was that by saying it out loud, I showed Sam that what applied to her applied to Jamie as well.

2. Acknowledge that each child goes at their own pace

Avoid comparing or pitting the siblings against one another even if the intention is to motivate or encourage.

“Look at so-and-so… she finished her food. See? Now you should too,” can also cause disgruntlement, and imply favoritism (which I know, is not the case!).

This was done to me a lot when I was growing up.

Because I was “not at par” with the rest of the kids, I felt inadequate. As such I’ve consciously avoided doing it with my kids.

I motivate them individually and praise publicly. If the other one chooses to follow suit she gets praised equally.

The process is much harder, but at the same time it’s one less venue that instigates unnecessary comparisons.

3. Let them figure it out on their own

As parents our primary instinct is to referee all disagreements.

However if you take a step back or wait a few seconds before jumping in (as long as there is no physical harm inflicted on either party), letting them settle things on their own terms is also a good life lesson to learn.

The outcome may not be the fairest all the time, but hey, isn’t that what life is like?

Sibling Love

 

4. Sometimes, it’s okay NOT to share

We all have possessions in our lives we don’t want to share with the world. Even if kids need to learn to share, why can’t they also keep some toys to themselves?

Sam has some dolls that she treasures and refuses to let Jamie slobber all over.

So the rule is, Sam has to keep her favorite toys and only play with these items while Jamie naps or is busy in the other room. Otherwise, the “sharing” rule applies and all toys are fair game.

5. Talk in “We” and “Us”, not just “Me”

Act as a family unit, and operate as a team – children included. When siblings are born into a family, they are not just “yours” as parents, they are your other kids’ babies too.

Saying “We need to comfort her because she’s crying,” makes the older siblings feel involved and responsible instead of making him/her feel you’re trading time with them, for time with the other.

So even if it’s really just “me” who needs to pick Sam up from school I tell Jamie that “we” need to go.

Similarly, when “I” need to get Jamie from her nap, I tell Sam that Jamie is looking for “us”.

I feel this tactic has helped Sam has taken her sibling role quite seriously.

She immediately gets up from her chair and runs ahead of me to give her sister a hug. “Let’s go mom! Jamie’s awake!” She’ll call out.

Hugs

6. Allot one-on-one quality time with each child

Give each child your undivided attention every now and then. Show them it’s standard treatment for every sibling in the household. After all, individual quality bonding time with mom is just as important as family time together.

Both need to happen on a regular basis.

In the end all that you do as parents to your kids and for them is work-in-progress. It will eventually be up to them to carry through and to build upon.

As for my girls, I can only pray that what I’m doing will set them on the right path towards a long-term amicable sisterhood. I wish the same for your efforts as well.

Would you have suggestions on how you try to build harmonious relationships amongst your kids? I’d love to hear them!

 Author bio:

Jenny Reyes  pens the blog, My Mommyology which is our featured blog of the month. She currently lives in Chapel Hill North Carolina, where she is a full-time student of the science of motherhood, with her two little girls as her prime teachers. She also moonlights as one of the partners in the marketing consultancy firm called Your Brand Story. Among other things, Jenny enjoys reading, traveling and scuba-diving.
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Comments

  1. Latina Reddick NaturalHairLatina ( from LatinaR) says:
    May 4, 2012 at 7:21 pm

    Great post, Talk in “We” and “Us”, not just “Me”. I agree 100% effective communication goes along way:) #VB
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  2. Pamela / Pamela's Heavenly Treats says:
    May 4, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Wonderful Post Anne! I agree with all the principles above, great read.
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  3. Kenya G. Johnson says:
    May 4, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Great post. My son is an only child. Just so happens his friend is an only child too. It interesting that when they are together they play parallel to each other like they are just keeping each other company. I’ve told me son that if he doesn’t want to share a particular thing then he needs to put it away before he has company. He always shares it so that’s a good thing. But I have had to intervene and tell them to move on to something else if they couldn’t share or come to an agreement.

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    • mymommyology says:
      May 4, 2012 at 9:46 pm

      My daughter Sam has a best friend too her age and always play together. From what I’ve seen, in the beginning they do just parallel play, but as the play groups happen more frequently and the children see more of each other, eventually they will feel comfortable interacting, sharing and disagreeing. A lot of the times still we need to intervene but I suppose if we all keep at it, they’ll eventually get the principle of it and hopefully do it on their own. Thanks for sharing!
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      • Anne Mercado says:
        May 17, 2012 at 9:57 pm

        It’s nice that your son shares – I can’t seem to get mine to do much of that with other kids. Well, not right away at least, but he does eventually.

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  4. Sarah says:
    May 4, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    What a great post! My mom did all that, and my brother and I are great friends. haha We only pick on each other now after being in a church youth group and asked “SO how long have you too been together?” We were pretty grossed out. It’s sad that even if you are friends, they thing you MUST be dating! Needless to say, we picked on each other in fun after that.

    I try to implement all this with my boys as well, never really even thought about it. #5 I haven’t done as much, but from time to time. Love this advise! Truly insightful and helpful! :) Going to pin it. ;)
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  5. Ceemee says:
    May 4, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Great tips! I need these for my three children. It’s hard to have one-on-one time with each of them!
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  6. Rebel Sweetheart says:
    May 4, 2012 at 10:19 pm

    I read up to the very end even if I have only one child.
    The tips might be of great use to me one of these days. :)
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  7. Pamela R says:
    May 5, 2012 at 12:59 am

    ALONE time == SO TRUE!!!
    Sometimes, it’s okay NOT to share; true but so hard to get thae child that “want” to understand when your always saying share share share =)
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  8. Carla Karam says:
    May 9, 2012 at 3:04 am

    What a wonderful post! Wish my parents would have read this over 40 years ago!!! LOL!! Seriously… this was an awesome read. Great job!
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  9. Leigh says:
    May 9, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Thaks for writing this. My twins are just starting to “not” get along so nicely. I think the individual time is key – and being consistent with rules is a good one too!
    Thanks
    Leigh

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  10. Barb W. says:
    May 9, 2012 at 4:53 am

    Terrific tips! Mine are just about tweens now, but these are all still applicable.
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  11. raine says:
    May 9, 2012 at 4:58 am

    This is great advice. I only have one but I always try to use we and us, including him. For a long time it was just the two of us, so using we made me feel like we were a team and in it together. I will try to remember the rest when I have another child :)
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  12. Zoe Alexander says:
    May 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Thanks you Jenny and Anne for a very helpful post. We have just the one daughter aged 21 months and are trying for a second so this post is a great headsup for us. Forewarned is forearmed!
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  13. startupbabies says:
    May 11, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    great post! i have one baby pa lang but i also learned a lot of techniques that i can apply to her. i agree, good habits must be taught and reinforced at the earliest time possible. we have smart babies, they do understand! :)
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  14. Tala says:
    May 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    This is perfect! I see myself nodding with each and every principle! I’ll definitely go back to this post in the future ;-)
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