Guest post by Lynn Reilly
“There’s no such thing as a bad boy or a bad girl, only bad behavior which we choose.”
- Lynn Reilly
Yes, I just quoted myself.
It’s a line used frequently in my house; one which my children are well versed in. They’ve said it to friends, to each other, and to me.
It’s an opinionated truth we hold on to and a lesson we remind ourselves when ready to fire off on why so and so is blankety, blank, blank, and we attempt to deem them as “bad.”
The reality is we all choose bad behaviors at times. All of us. But do we see ourselves as bad, incorrigible or derelicts of society? I hope not.
Most often kids are labeled as bad when they consistently choose behaviors that make others uncomfortable. It could be talking back, using inappropriate and crass language, hitting, bullying, lying, stealing, etc., and get away with it enough to continue.
But the question is why are they acting out? How are the negative behaviors benefiting them?
Read this post first before you reprimand your child
To answer these questions we need to look directly at the behavior and see what’s behind it. The key to being a good investigator is asking the right questions.
For example, every time Jimmy comes home from school he is supposed to sit down and do his homework. He takes out his homework each day and puts it on the table.
It appears that Jimmy is doing his homework regularly, but his teacher later reports that Jimmy almost never turns his homework in. Why is Jimmy lying about doing his homework and pretending to get it done?
Mother: Jimmy, why aren’t you doing your homework?
Jimmy: I don’t know. (Sometimes they really don’t know how to identify the why’s, or he thinks he’ll get in trouble with his reason, or he’s embarrassed to tell the reason.)
Mother: You’ve been pretending and lying about doing your homework. If we hear from your teacher again that you are not doing your homework, you will not be playing with friends for a very long time.
Understandable frustration. Most of us have been there, but let’s try that again.
Mother: How can we help you to get your homework done?
Jimmy: I don’t know.
Mother: What are the types of assignments you find difficult?
Jimmy: When I have to read.
Mother: When you are reading directions or when you are reading in books?
Jimmy: Reading in books.
Mother: Do the stories make you uncomfortable or is it the reading of words?
Jimmy: Reading the words.
After further conversation, turns out Jimmy is not confident in his reading ability.
He met the reading goal for his age group, so he was not identified as a student with reading concerns, but internally, he did not feel comfortable with his ability; therefore, he stopped doing his homework because it only made him feel worse about himself.
Pathological liar?
Nope. Just a kid who used a behavior to get him out something that was uncomfortable.
The key to getting to the root of the problem is asking the questions that dig a little deeper than the obvious.
Do you know what the right questions to ask are?
Start with open-ended question that promote discussion like how and why, then move on to the yes or no, or direct questions that give you the information you need.
Examples:
- How was school today? (If they answer, “Good,” have them define what it means.)
- Does good mean you learned something or did you have fun at recess?
- What did they talk about in US history class?
- Does anyone ever speak Spanish in your school?
- Who did you hang out with today?
Ask whatever it is you want to know, but in a way that gets them thinking and elaborating on their answers.
The more you learn how to ask the questions that get to the root of what you want to know, the better you will know your child and understand the way their mind works. So when those unpleasant behaviors do turn up, you will have the investigative skills to get the real answer to address it.
If this has changed the way you view child behavior, share it with others so they can learn to deal with their kids in a better way.
Author Bio:
Lynn Reilly is a mother of 2 young children and a professional school counselor for adolescents. She shares her perspectives regularly on everyday parenting concerns, based on her professional counseling experiences. These are fused with personal parenting experiences using a blend of humor and reality in Perspective Parenting. Her blog is also the featured blog for this month (June).
Great post! This really made me think about how I deal with behavior issues. We all need to stop and think about how we’re going to respond before we just react. These question examples are very helpful!!
The Sweetness Of It All
Twitter: paulaebert
Absolutely! This post makes us assess how we deal with our children.
Loved this post. I have found some of my children are great communicators and understand why they are doing what they are doing and some of my other children will act out, and when questioned about it will answer with an I don’t know or a blank stare and they honestly don’t know how to verbalize what they are thinking and feeling. Asking the right questions is so key. I think it is important to work at this with your children because they can learn to figure out why they are acting the way they are acting. On the flip side I have met adults who lack these skills, so teaching children to look to the root of the behaviour is so important. Great post!
Joel & an Old Friend
Twitter: OntheOldPath
Not everyone was taught how to get to the bottom of things. Those adults continue to struggle with their lives and that’s what we want our kids to avoid.
Such wonderful advice! It can be very easy as a parent to just react instead of stepping back and determining the “whys” of the behavior. Asking questions and getting them to open up is so important!
The times they are a changin’….
Twitter: myruralmommy
Yes and key to getting them to open up is for them to trust that you won’t go into a full-blown sermon when they confess to breaking a vase.
This is very true, and something I believe in too. Kids are inherently good, and it’s important to distinguish their behaviour from who they are.
Personal branding, and why it’s so important!
Twitter: momfever
Wow!! Couldn’t have said it any better
Great advise! My mom taught me something similar to this. An example using my husband.
If he is acting annoying or frustrating me, don’t just blurt out “you ARE annoying, or you ARE frustrating” but tell them “what you are doing is annoying, or frustrating”. Or I feel frustrated because this is happening, etc. Therefore not labeling the person annoying etc. It’s really an art to communication.
My son has serious issues with teething. Also red 40, yellow 5 and 6. Liquid sugars also don’t sit well with his attitude amazingly during teething times. When he is acting all crazy, I tend to think about what is going on in his life right then, lately it’s STILL been teething. Once I orajel him, or Ibpro him, he calms down.
He just did not know how to deal with the pain.
Chunky Applesauce Recipe
We sometimes forget to place ourselves in their shoes… and that’s something even I need to do more of
I love what your mom taught you! Labeling just doesn’t do anyone any good.
I definitely think it’s easy to jump to conclusions with our kids and always wise to take a minute before reacting to a situation. As a parent I choose a response not a reaction. It helps.
Twitter: shanmilholland
That’s great, Shannon: “response and not a reaction”… how do you come up with these? I’m saving your comment!
I say something similar…I like that you’ve added that the BEHAVIOR IS A CHOICE!!!
All the tips here are super–I’d add one I found works good too….take five munites….Sometimes when a “THING” has JUST happened–EVERONES a lil too HOT to really discussion how and why, but if everyone takes a moment-then the investigation can begin =)
Happiness is… {{A DAY WITH MOMMY}}
Twitter: ReviewsSheROTE
That’s a great tip, Pam! Cooling down can bring things into perspective
Getting to the root is so hard, but so beneficial. We write contracts with our teenagers (should have started about age 10) for any recurring issues. We begin by answering tough questions (them and us), such as “when does this behavior happen?” “What do you think causes it?” “What should we change to help this problem end?” and “How do you think you should be disciplined for this behavior?” Once we all, child, and each parent separately, answer the questions, we sit down to discuss them. Now, discipline is more thoughtful and effective. We all take time to listen and we write out a contract based on our discussions. Works wonders!
Finish Strong!
Twitter: karen_dawkins
Wow! Sounds like you have great communication in your home. I like the idea of a contract, Karen! Very, very clever
Great post!
And yeah, it’s always best to listen and probe rather than jump to conclusions and take the words out of your child’s mouth.
June, and Lovin’ It.
Twitter: RebelSweetHrt
It really is, and this is also great advice when dealing with adults too.
I am huge with the “you aren’t bad, but your choices weren’t the best” for my kids. I don’t want them to ever think they’re “bad,” but I do want them to recognize errors in judgment.
I love the way you stress getting to the root of the issue. My DS was refusing to brush his teeth and would lie about it. It made me crazy! I finally realized it actually hurt him, and that’s why he wasn’t doing it… Made me rethink how I approach behaviors now
Easy To Hold Sponge Shapes and Stamps
Twitter: VenturesofHome
That’s a great example, Jenn, thank you for sharing. I think the old way of thinking is that children are bad when they don’t follow, period.
I love that Lynn is helping us correct that notion!
Absolutely brilliant! My boys are just 4 and them growing up terrifies me for this very reason. I just have to remind myself to control the frustration and get to the bottom of the mystery
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Twitter: twins_happen
That’s a great reminder, and is quite challenging to do! Often we fall into the trap of jumping into conclusions. Good thing Lynn is here to remind us!
GREAT post. I wish I’d had this to give to my oldest son’s teachers when he first started school- his first grade teacher especially. She was a never- ending source of frustration for all of us.
Visiting from Voiceboks- hope you’re having a great day!
~Amber “SortaSuperMom
A Moment of Silence for Sanity Lost
Twitter: SortaSuperMom
I’m sorry you had such an experience with one teacher. But yeah, feel free to forward this post to her haha!
Lol! I just might. When my MIL found out who my son had, she wasn’t happy- apparently she’d heard stories about that teacher (my MIL’s a teacher’s aide) and said she berates kids a lot. I shouldn’t have been surprised after that when she told my son he couldn’t help being bad.
A Moment of Silence for Sanity Lost
Twitter: SortaSuperMom
That’s so wrong
I mean, if you snap once in a while, I suppose it’s okay, but if she’s known for that… yikes.
Anne you always hit the nail on the head with your posts, these points are so good, the questions are a very helpful resource, thanks Anne for these.
Whole Wheat Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutella Buttercream Frosting
Thank you for your kid words, my baking-mama gorgeous friend
Lynn did an awesome job with this post, and you know what? There’s more to come! 
Hope you are having a great weekend.
Thanks for this! I really need to ask the right questions, rather than labeling them negatively and crushing their spirit.
How the Boncho saved my day!
Twitter: ceemee
This is handy guide to have. I made my mom and brother read this too actually
It’s really easy to get frustrated with our child. Sometimes we really need to change our questioning techniques to get to the root of any problems.
Visit to the Army Open House
Twitter: dominiquegoh
That’s right! We really need to take a step back and assess the situation before jumping into conclusions.
Great Post! The sad part is most parents are so busy working and tending home that they do not take time to listen.
Sigh…..
Clutter Busting Quarter Flip Saturday Morning!
Twitter: mommacansing
This sounds all too familiar, Pam. Haha. So great to have you here again though
Yay!
I try to listen to my 6yr old but most of the time I’m too tired or too caught up with trying to finish up the housework or task before bed time to give him 100% attention. You post makes me rethink about my priority today. I will reflect on myself and try to improve myself =)
Lavender Story – the first 2 sprouts
Glad that this post is making you re-evaluate your priorities
Welcome to Green Eggs & Moms, Jennifer. Hope to see you around here more!
Anne, I’m so glad you had Lynn as a guest. I just love her writing style and perspective on things. Lynn, this is a great great post! I have found it difficult at times to draw the root problem out of my daughter because she’ll do the same thing…answer with I don’t know. Your suggestions for discussion and figuring out how best to help them are awesome and I will definitely refer back to them.
Blessings to you both!!
~Rosann
Getting To Know Your Spouse (Again…)
Twitter: ChrstianSuprMom
I know right, this post has been shared a lot too!! Wohoo to Lynn! The good news is she’ll be here for this entire month.
Love her writing style too, even my mom agrees! (Yes I forced my mom to read this haha).
Well Anne, you’ve done it again! What a great post. I love the way you describe the need for careful expression. Select with care your words when asking of your child. I’d love to ask people to consider their body language and what they might say when they become clearly worried and concerned about homework or other such matter. Important too, to consider all of our language verbal and non-verbal when in ‘contact’ with our loved ones. Thank you for sharing your wise words once again.
Twitter: viviensabel
This is great advice, Mama Viv. Kids are also great observers of body language so they pick up cues from it.
Thanks for dropping by, and Lynn did an awesome job writing this post up! I had the easy job of hitting the “publish” button.
It is sometimes hard for kids to express themselves or communicate how they feel! Sometimes it helps to take a step back before reacting to the action and figure out the triggers. But yes I totally agree, there are no bad kids! Just misguided behavior!
From Beach Bum to Beach Mom
Twitter: mymommyology
What about psychopaths? (Sorry, I’ve been watching too much Criminal Minds.)