This method works even if you’re on the phone
Would you believe that…
…even a 5-minute talk can be so powerful that your child will feel she’s received attention in such a short period of time?
It’s true.
If you know how to communicate – and I’m talking effective communication here – your child will feel acknowledged even if you can’t spend hours with her each day.
Is this some magical parenting trick?
No. And it will take effort on your end.
So, how do you make a child feel heard despite a busy schedule?
By consciously transferring positive energy (or the “transfer method”)
Tell me this…
Have you ever said, “Yes, honey, that’s a real nice picture you drew there!” without even lifting your head from making dinner?
What about having said…
“Yes, yes we will play tea-time when I’m done working!” hurriedly while continuing to type on the computer?
If so, you’re not alone. Many other moms have been parenting without being present, making children feel “unheard.”
But more importantly, by doing the examples above, you don’t transfer any positive energy at all.
Now, wouldn’t it be great if there were more hours in a day? Between securing a future (work), other responsibilities and parenting, there’s just so little time.
Which is why focusing on quality time instead of quantity becomes crucial – not only because it’s all you can give at the moment, but because the kind of attention a child receives affects her emotional development.
Effective communication through transferring positive energy
Before getting into the steps, answer this first:
Which group of people would you rather continue to share stories with in a party?
Group A – Those who maintain eye contact and mirror expressions you make – shock, joy, embarrassment – as you recount your adventure in France? Or…
Group B – Those glued to their cell phones and utter “Uh huh,” in an emotionless manner whenever you take short pauses from story-telling?
I’ll bet all the chocolate in the world you’d prefer Group A.
It’s nice when the people you talk to are this engaged! Can you feel all the positive energy they’re giving off too?
And here’s why: They are engaged.
They find what you have to say interesting and it shows because their full attention is on you, so much so that they even mimic your expressions.
The best part is that you and Group A bounce positive energy off from each other, unlike Group B who is giving you nothing but disinterested energy. What a downer!
Wouldn’t you want to be Group A to your child?
Here’s how to transfer positive energy to make your child feel love and heard:
1. Eye contact. If your child wants to talk to you, drop what you’re doing and look at her eyes. Pretend only the two of you exist, then listen intently to what she says.
2. Reflect the same energy she has or create a more positive one. While your child is excitedly explaining her drawing of a flying cat, express interest by mirroring her excitement. Smile back and be as enthusiastic as she is!
However, if she’s projecting low energy because she tripped and hurt herself for example, then do this:
Mirror her pain by pouting or making a sad face and saying that you know it must hurt, then immediately change your energy to a positive one by letting her know the pain will subside, and she’ll be alright.
(If you’re communicating through the phone, ensure your voice reflects emotions you want to it to convey.)
That’s it! Very simple.
But what if you have to finish something first before playing with your child?
Here’s where making her feel heard and acknowledged in 5 minutes is possible.
How the transfer method should look like
If you’re busy and have to finish something before attending to her, keep the steps above in mind while saying this:
“Mommy wants to take a look at your drawing, but I also need to finish something for work. (Pout) Can you give me 30 more minutes first? And when I’m done, I’ll rush to you right away! (Be excited)
Even if you can’t immediately play or talk with your child, she’ll still feel your high engagement level because of how you deliver the message.
Think of a child like an empty glass
When you pour clean water (positive energy) she gets filled with it. When you pour dirty water (negative energy), she too gets filled with it. Choose wisely.
Ready for your challenge? Try this today and observe how you and your child respond to the transfer method. Then come back and let me know if it worked for you in the comments section.
About Anne Mercado
Guilty of the present but not really there crime. I do take note of it when I’m doing it though, and switch those gears right away. Engaged, active play/face time is impt., and I’m so glad you wrote about it!!
Oh, I do the guilty but not really there thing too. But after realizing it’s a bit detrimental to the relationship, I opt to transfer positive energy and be more engaged. It does take practice and energy though, but is worth it.
Thanks for your comment, Rosey! I’m glad you seem to like this post.
Great article! I think it is important to take time out for the kids. At times, I find myself doing some of the above at work with my students but then I take a deep breath, stop what I’m doing, and really look at them when they try to talk to me. I know many of my students don’t get any attention at home and the 5 minutes I give them every morning is very important to them. I eat breakfast in the cafeteria with about 10 of my kids every morning just so we can have a real conversation.
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Aww Hezzi-D, I think it’s sweet of you eat with your students just to spend quality time with them. And you’re right, even those few 5 minutes does wonders. Even as adults, you always remember the person who makes you feel acknowledged.
Working from home, it’s challengibg to strike that balance between work and kids’ “needs.” (Demands?) I’ve learned that even if I must continue working, if I shut the laptop for just a couple minutes and use great eye contact and engaged conversation, my daughter doesn’t feel like she’s competing with the computer for my attention — or affection! I never want my computer to be perceived as more valuable than she is!
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I love your last line! It’s so easy to brush kids – or anyone for that matter – while we’re working but it doesn’t send a good message. Thank you for dropping by, Karen.
I so agree on the importance of eye contact when having a conversation with our kids. They need to feel that they have our complete attention. Thanks so much for sharing this! Blessings!
Absolutely, Wendy! Hope to see you more here.
I was working at my compute the other day when my 5 year old came up to me with a big smile on his face and asked, “Mom do you want to play jacks with me?!” Of course the correst answer to this question was yes! So we played for 5 minutes and I thanked him for thinking of me and helping me have fun too. He was happy and I had a nice break.
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It’s one of the upsides to working at home. Coffee breaks can turn into a fun game with your child or a nice comforting hug.
*hand raised* I’ve found myself starting to do the old ”no look’ answers– no good–so glad I came across this because I feel like it was meant for me to read! Thanks!– sharing
Oh we all go through these episodes wherein were just so engrossed in what we’re doing. So guilty as well
Glad this helped you!
loved this article!!
Glad you liked it
Thanks for sharing this! It’s quite a reminder for me. I am guilty of being stuck at the computer too. My daughter would tell me that I’m not listening to her that’s why she won’t listen to me and I knew I wasn’t giving enough quality attention.
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You’re not alone, don’t worry
Another great post! Since I have 6 kiddies, my listening skills are great, but sometimes I am guilty of brushing off and not giving that listening ear to them. Sometimes I have to say to myself, he was trying to tell you something and your not listening, then I breath and say yes now what did you say? and they feel wanted and think oh she is listening. It’s hard sometimes but I want my kids to know that I am hearing everything they are saying to me.
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I can’t imagine having more than one child.. do you have time to yourself? Haha
Great post–Thanks for the challenge–I’m going to try it this weekend!
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Let me know how it goes!
These are great suggestions. Just sitting with your child to simply read or play a fun game of cards can be enlightening in opening the channels of communications. Thanks for the great tips.
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Absolutely! Thanks for stopping by, Barbara.