Guest post by Lynn Reilly
Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is to ignore them.
Sound harsh?
Maybe, but I mean it.
Recently, my six-year-old son stayed home from school sick. Not a lay on the couch all day sick, but a hang out quietly and relax sick.
It gave me an opportunity to catch up on some work and some writing, which for him meant, Mom is distracted and I’m on my own.
My son knows me well enough to tell when I’m distracted
Busy or distracted mom
“In a minute,” means another 30-60 minutes from now, so you may want to reconsider your needs.
When he asked me to make him a sandwich and I said “Sure, in a little bit,” he was prompted to get up and make his own.
When he had hit his self-proclaimed TV limit, he got up, turned the TV off and went down to his playroom to find something else to do.
One and a half hours went by with only a small tornado of clean up, which he managed to pick up with very little prompting…and believe me, if you knew him, the boy is a full-blown tornado.
In two hours, he had managed to make and clean up his own lunch, create an ocean for his legos and clean up the tidal wave, bring his trains on a cross-country trip around the house and draw some pretty impressive artwork. All because I was ignoring him.
If I had put everything aside to attend to his every need and desire…
…it would limit his ability to figure it out on his own. His time for independent imaginative play would be sparse.
He would sit and wait for me to decide what we should play and how we should play, and he would most likely expect me to clean it up since I participated in the play portion. That’s the rule, right?
The reality is the more we do for our children, the more they expect that we do for them, and understandably so. When we get used to someone taking care of us, it becomes part of our lifestyle and our expectation of how we live.
The more we do for our children, the more they will depend on us and feel they need us to live comfortably.
Since the goal is for them to not live with us forever, it’s probably a good idea to start letting them take on responsibility for themselves, as it becomes developmentally appropriate.
Responsible little boy
This could be as simple as giving them the time to tie their own shoelace even when it takes much longer than our patience allows, or as complicated as encouraging them talk to their teacher on their own when they feel they are being treated unfairly.
Another bonus to teaching them skills of independence (or ignoring them) is the fact that doing so increasing their self-esteem.
Think of the last time you taught your child to do something on their own and allowed them to do it consistently. The pride they feel and sense of accomplishment builds up with every task and responsibility they manage on their own.
The more they feel they can do things independently, the more confidence they will acquire, and the more risks they will take to go after what they want.
(Don’t get me wrong, though. I do play with my children, which includes a lot of lessons on how to do things for themselves.)
Even if teaching them is time-consuming, it’s worth it! Like with every job, the hard work pays off when you are cashing in your “free time” and know that the work you put in offers kids a lifetime of confidence and contentment.
Do you know of anyone else who should ignore their kids? Please share this with them.
Author Bio:
Lynn Reilly is a mother of 2 young children and a professional school counselor for adolescents. She shares her perspectives regularly on everyday parenting concerns, based on her professional counseling experiences. These are fused with personal parenting experiences using a blend of humor and reality in Perspective Parenting. Her blog is also the featured blog for this month (June).
This is great advice Anne. Last summer my son was six and that was the first summer we spent day in an day out together and I tried tirelessly to figure out to do around the clock. It was exhausted and unless his neighbor friend was in town I fell in to being his playmate. By the end of the summer I had figured things out but it really took the school year for him to gain his independence in the house. I love it when I don’t have to say did you do this or that and I just find him drawing or something along the lines of building an ocean with his Legos. Then you feel energized for a game or something when you aren’t entertaining around the clock.
21 actions in reverse psychology to get your man to do stuff…
Isn’t it wonderful Kenya, when they discover what great playmates they can be to themselves? My son is more imaginative than I could dream to be! I learn from him every time we do play.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
It’s such a nice feeling when kids are independent. The nagging gets tiring and frustrating!
This reminds me of my husband’s family. His parents have always done everything for him and his siblings. 3 years later he’s finally started doing dishes without prompting (sometimes) and making his own sandwiches if he’s hungry between meals… but it’s still very rare that he’ll cook or clean without prompting and he seems completely unaware of any mess that accumulates around him – it’s like he never had to clean up the glasses and plates he left in the livingroom, so they’re just not there. And even with the things I’ve managed to train him to do, he’ll stop and ask questions constantly, questions about things he should be able to figure out on his own.
Believe me, by raising an independent child you’re doing his future partner a huge favor.
Ha ha! I completely agree. Raising independent kids is a gift to everyone.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
I like what you said about teaching kids independence will help his/her future partner. Couldn’t agree more, Lauren!
Great advice! I do this at work sometimes with my students. I had several this past year that would ask for help immediately after beginning an assignment. After a while I began telling them that I would be with them in a few minutes. Eventually they began their assignments on their own and only raised their hand when they truly needed help. I’ve found this to work on the playground too when kids are grumbling at each other. I ignore them, while still keeping a sneaky eye on them, and let them work it out themselves. They don’t need me every minute of the day.
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So true! And it works with older kids too. I taught an Adult Education class where the students had very little patience to read instructions to any assignment, they just wanted it spoon fed to them without having to do the work because their work ethic was less than stellar. When they would ask obvious questions that were outlined in the instructions, I would ask if they had read the instructions, and of course, they hadn’t..and would tell them to ask again after they read them. Once they took the time to read it on their own, they understood completely and turned in work exactly as it was meant to be.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
This is a good strategy! I notice that when kids know an adult is around, they immediately approach the grown-up for help. But if you leave them alone to do something, they’re forced to figure things out by themselves.
This! I know someone (and his siblings) that were spoiled rotten by their mother. They asked their mom to get water while they were eating on the dining table and the mom would get it. Unbelievable! They are high school and college students then. All of them are working now but their mom still does their laundry. Sadly, hubby is connected to them.
My daughter is 3 years old and she can get her own water from the water dispenser.
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Good for you and for your daughter! And I bet she is very proud of her independence as well.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Some moms are really like that! It’s nice to hear that your little girl is independent. At least she knows that Mommy won’t always pick-up after her. It’s so great to see you here, Gene. Have a great Sunday!
Haha! This is such great advice. I have someone in my family who literally (and I do mean literally) never made her 3 kids do anything for themselves. They’ve never made a bed, washed a dish, vacuumed or taken out the dogs. And she has hell to pay now. These 3 kids are the most selfish,disrespectful children anyone has ever seen and it’s so sad. They are all ready to go off to college and they will not know how to make it. I wish I could have shown her this post 18 years ago!!!!
Truth Is…
Twitter: ErinPatrick
Live and learn, right?
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Oh my goodness, that sounds scary, Erin! The independence is really more for the child’s well-being in adulthood, and breathing space for mom is just a wonderful bonus.
I totally agree with this! If we never give them the time to figure out how to play and be on their own, they never get to experience that aloneness. Not lonely, just alone. And it’s good to know how to be alone with yourself! Think of all of those adults who can’t be on their own, always looking for something or someone to keep them entertained…
Great post!
Gina from vB
Letting go…
So well said, Gina, “not lonely, just alone.” Many kids don’t experience a lot of aloneness and do struggle as adults to figure out what to do with the space. While others of us CRAVE it!
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Being alone isn’t a bad thing. Glad you enjoyed this post from Lynn, Gina.
This is such great advice! Sometimes we need to grant ourselves permission to say no to our kids and say yes to our own needs!
Permission Granted
Twitter: shanmilholland
Absolutely. We are teaching the value of taking care of oneself, something we hope they’ll do for themselves when they have to.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Absolutely, Shannon!!! Have a great Father’s Day weekend, by the way.
Anne this is a good post. I agree with everything in it! Thats why now all my kiddies do everything themselves, my 3 oldest boys no how to clean a bathroom better than me, wash dishes, do laundry, cut the grass. If I was there all the time saying no I will do it, or you do it this way they never will learn.
~End of the School Year Cookies~
Oh, I’m jealous!! I can’t wait till my kids clean the bathroom better than me!
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Oh my goodness, they can clean bathrooms better than you?? Can I get lessons from them? Kidding aside, good job Pamela! Your boys will have lucky wives haha!
Hi Anne,
I agree with this completely! The day I gave birth to my Samantha, I told my parents “She will never need me as much as she used to.” I do not believe in telling her to do something “because I said so” but to explain the why behind it so she will be able to make better decisions herself. If she is asking why, she deserves the right to think about the why. At one, she still needs me, but when I am putting away her laundry or making dinner, she does not go before them and she will wine a bit then start playing with her toys. She also puts all her cloths in the laundry basket already, and helps put away her toys. Small steps, but as she grows they will get bigger.
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Impressive Claire. I love that she puts her own clothes in the basket. You have such a great attitude and are teaching her some invaluable skills.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Your Samantha sounds like a cutie, Claire! It’s so nice to she’s helping you around the house as young as she is. She going to be little Ms. Independent
Ignoring them does sound harsh, but I get the intent. Allowing our children to have independent time is important, my kids have a ton of it, I am not sure that I would call it ignoring them though. I am still here to listen to the crazy stories they make up and oh and ah over their artwork, and to grant access to art supplies, kiss an owwie etc. My guess is that is what you mean too, not total ignoring??
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That is correct. The word ignore is used with good intent, just like the parenting behind it.
Absolutely what is meant here, Cheryl. We’re in no way supporting child neglect, otherwise this post would never have made it past editing. “Ignoring” is meant as a playful and loose term to foster independence in a child.
Great advise!
I’ve noticed both my boys glean from this kind of thing. When I hear the boys in a room I can’t see them in, making noise and possibly a fight might ensue, I wait. I listen. I don’t rush in. 9 times out of 10 they will resolve it, before I need to go in there. 
Pear Salad
That’s a great strategy, Sarah. Leaving your boys to resolve things is important to strengthen their relationship.
Like with most things in life balance is very important. I prefer teaching independence and trusting through my words and by the example I set for them.
I agree with teaching independence and allowing kids to do for themselves what they are capable of doing, sometimes I get caught up in semantics, I don’t like the word “ignore” … I don’t ignore my kids. I am hypersensitive to saying what I mean and mean what I say… if I say 5 minutes I stick to it and if something happens that prevents me from doing so I will tell them.
If they ask for something and I can’t or won’t do it, well then I let them know that if they want something they need to get it.
Summer Fun
Many of get caught up in semantics, Amy. You’re not alone. Personally, I think the weight of words comes from how we choose to interpret them. “Ignore” doesn’t always have to have a negative connotation, just like the word selfish doesn’t have to have one either. We teach our kids to “ignore” unpleasant behaviors by others and to take care of themselves by using “selfish” behaviors at times, but our intent is always good.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Thank you for your comment, Amy. I think we all get the intent of the post. However, I’ll be completely honest with you that in the writing world, catchy titles and words are magnets that pull readers in. Does it take away from the invaluable message? I don’t think so. My two cents.
Agree with you that independence is a great skill for kids to learn. And like you, I want to keep my word but fail to do so occasionally.
I agree too. Kids should learn the world doesn’t revolve around them, because otherwise they’re in for a big shock when they grow up. You’re not doing them a favor by treating them like royalty all the time.
It also helps them get over boredom.
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I could not possibly agree with you more. There is a scary wave of entitled kids around and unless they learn that they are part of this world and not the master of it, its going to be a rough ride for them and those around them going forward.
How Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction can Encourage Positive Behavior
Absolutely! I don’t think anybody has the time nor energy to listen and respond to every single question they have! We’re human, after all.
I think this is great advice. I am constantly surprised by what my son can do for himself when I let him (Often by not rushing to fulfil his needs straight away). I try and make things accessible so he can do as much for himself, and he does.
The Playdough Pledge
Oh, I love this! I know I’ve been going out on a limb for my daughter way too much, I have to tone it down a bit and let her explore her independence and the thrill it brings. I think I’ve made baby steps by asking her to talk to her teacher about something bothering her in school. I was only too tempted to walk right up to her teacher and talk to her, but I managed to get my daughter to speak up for herself
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Ignoring my three little kids, even for just a few minutes, also saves my sanity. This rejuvenates me a bit and I get to keep myself from being cranky.
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My daughter will be 2 in July and since she was about 18 months she’s been dressing herself, she even manages to get the socks on herself. She will pull all her clothes out from under her changing table just to find one outfit, and then she will pull out all her socks just to get one pair, and it ends up being a big mess. She picks up after herself all the time now and I’ve learned to be patient and it’s so cute when she picks up stuff. I do have to wait til she goes in the other room and is preoccupied before I go into fix it all the right way nicely so the clothes are folded, but I always let her fix it her way first.
My boys weren’t like this when they were little and maybe it was partially my fault I did it all for them. I couldn’t stand things out of place or dirty then and I still don’t. I’ve just became a little more patient, and I guess with- 2 boys almost 14 and 12 and a daughter almost 2 I’ve learned that a little bit of a messy area is ok when I know it will get cleaned up but I have to give the boys & my daughter a chance to try first. My boys help now but they didn’t when they were little and it was probably because I just ran to do it for them. You have good advice and I believe with some patients and a little bit of ignoring then things will get done. It might not be exactly like we do it and it might take longer to get it done then if we did it ourselves but we can at least give kids a chance to do a little for themselves even at young ages. I’m visiting from Voiceboks. Have a wonderful day.
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Sometimes we have to adjust our schedule accordingly because Sam wants to do things for herself at her own time. I just have to remind myself that it’s good that somehow I managed to teach her to be independent. Now I can count on her to put in a DVD for herself and buckle down in front of the TV when I put Jamie to sleep, or to go to the bathroom by herself. Slowly but surely I guess. In our case, she’s only 3.5, I don’t want her to grow up too fast too soon!
A My Mommyology Discovery: My SweetARTS
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Independence is crucial. When my son is under my care, he does things by himself: shower, dress-up, fix the bathroom/room, etc. But when he’s with one of the nannies, he asks them to do things for him. I don’t like it so I usually tell them to avoid picking-up after him, but do they listen?
Oh no. *groan*. Please don’t get me started on my thoughts about yayas and nannies. Kulang ang blog sa sasabihin ko. Hahaha.
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