Guest post by Lynn Reilly
When it comes to addressing the behavior of a child who is acting out, do you know what the most difficult part is?
Getting to the root of the problem.
Root of the problem
Creative Commons Flickr via Tim Green aka atoach
Once you have an understanding of why a child is choosing a negative or bad behavior, it is easier to respond and help them to find a different behavior that works better for both of you.
We choose behaviors for a reason.
We yell to get attention and be heard. We cry to show frustration and disappointment. We push and kick when we don’t have the skills or can’t find the words to express anger and resentment.
We steal when we feel we can’t get what we desire using traditional methods. We use the words “please” and “thank you” when we want to show respect in an effort to get what we want.
We use behaviors to communicate our needs.
Children develop their communication methods since birth and rely on the responses of their parents, caregivers, and peers to determine if the communication they’ve chosen is getting the desired result.
When the communication methods we use don’t work to benefit us or those around us, it’s time to change them up.
As parents and caregivers, it’s our responsibility to help them determine how well their communication method is working, by creating consequences for each behavior to either deter and encourage them to continue.
For example…
- If they cry as infants, we respond to that behavior by picking them up to comfort them, or feeding them if they show signs of hunger.
- When they throw a temper tantrum after they don’t get a toy they want, we remove them from the environment and do not allow them to have the toy, to show them that their behavior will not work.
- When they lie, they lose our trust and their freedom, and have to work to gain it back.
- When they use harsh tones to demand what they want, they don’t get it.
- When they use manners and gestures of appreciation, they are often given what they ask for.
It’s fairly basic when you strip it down.
For every action, there is a reaction.
Newton’s Law of Action-Reaction
This is what we, as parents and caregivers are in control of and teach our children. They choose an action or behavior to communicate their needs, and we choose a reaction to their behaviors. This process teaches them what will get them what they want and what won’t.
Outside of the home, they will learn that if they are kind to others, they will gain friendships. If they are unkind to others, they will lose them or have very few.
If they do their homework they will get good grades. If they save their money, they can buy a nicer pair of shoes—and if they’re really patient, maybe even on sale!
And just when you think you are losing your mind because your child seems to always be choosing bad behavior, remember this….
We learn from the consequences of our negative behaviors just as much as the ones from our positive behaviors.
In conclusion, as long as consequences exist to support or discourage the behavior, the learning is still taking place. Just perhaps with a few premature gray hairs at stake.
With the consistent consequences in place, the behavior that needs adjusting will change…and the box of hair dye will always go on sale.
If you think other people will benefit from reading this, please share it with them using the social buttons below.
Author Bio:
Lynn Reilly is a mother of 2 young children and a professional school counselor for adolescents. She shares her perspectives regularly on everyday parenting concerns, based on her professional counseling experiences. These are fused with personal parenting experiences using a blend of humor and reality in Perspective Parenting. Her blog is also the featured blog for this month (June).
Great post and so true! It’s important to teach our children that everything we do has a reaction whether it’s good or bad.
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Absolutely! The message is so important!
I try so hard to remember to praise the good behavior. It’s especially important with my son who’s on the the autism spectrum; he really responds to that. I try to remind my friends too! Kids honestly seem to respond to positive rather than negative anyway
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Definitely.. who always wants to hear negative things right?
We have always been strong consequence parents. Sometimes it has been really difficult to allow our girls to go through some of the things their actions brought about, but I think it teaches them to be thinkers and aware of how they can affect others.
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Consequences are good life lessons! It may be tough on both parents and kids but at least it will help them be better adults.
Very good information here, Anne. I G+ and tweeted it. I think that children do things a lot of times, because the immediate reaction feels good. It is up to us to teach them about consequences and long term reactions! Thanks so much for sharing!
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You are welcome, Erin. Thanks so much for sharing this, I really appreciate it!
Love this! We are on a never ending journey of learning consequences to our actions and words.
Not just as children but as adults too.
Always love reading your awesome perspective, Lynn!
~Rosann
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Aren’t we all on that “never ending journey?” And yup, I’m so glad we have Lynn around for this whole month
Thanks Rosann! It really is never ending, and thank goodness because life would get awfully boring if we knew it all.
Q&A My Perspective: Is it Ever Too Late to Heal Broken Relationships?
Another wonderful post Anne!We always tell our children there are consequences to your actions, we will not tolerate certain behavior, and they know it.. Thanks for sharing
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That’s a great way to do it and we always have to stand our ground on certain things. Hope you’re having a great baking weekend!
Well written. Sometimes we makes things more complicated than we need them to be. The principle you talked about is really just a basic principle and allowing ourselves a moment before a reaction to stop and remember this will greatly benefit our children. Thank you
Exactly. And sometimes taking that moment can be a challenge when we want to quickly react to their reactions! But when we stop and choose a response that benefits both of us, the lesson is that much more effective. Thanks for your comment!
Q&A My Perspective: Is it Ever Too Late to Heal Broken Relationships?
What you just said made me assess how I support positive and negative behavior. It is so simple yet sometimes still give attention to negative behavior. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction.
…if they are really patient, maybe even on sale!
It aways takes my daughter SO long to save (she always wants to spend RIGHT AWAY!) That most of the time what she wants IS on SALE~~ LOL
—learn from the consequences of our negative behaviors just as much as the ones from our positive behaviors…so EZ to praise a child when they do good seems many parents these days including myself sometimes forget about the first part of that statement. Then we all go back to Adem & Eve and PASS THE BLAME on where the negative behavior started!
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Adam and Eve really do get the bulk of the blame, don’t they? But we all make mistakes and that’s okay, especially if the goal is to learn from them. Some of the best lessons in life come from the very worst mistakes.
Q&A My Perspective: Is it Ever Too Late to Heal Broken Relationships?
You’re right there, Pamela! Poor Adam and Eve right?
I am all for making sure that positive behavior is commended. Children feel good when parents recognize their achievement and good behavior so the tendency is to repeat
. I also agree so much about finding out the root cause of the “bad behavior” to resolve it rather than punish the child because of the “bad behavior” done.
Spanish Pinay
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So true! It feels so much better for us to commend as well too, than to reprimand. A win win!
Q&A My Perspective: Is it Ever Too Late to Heal Broken Relationships?
Absolutely! Now that my son’s a bit older at 5, he’s a lot more receptive to which behavior I pay attention to. That means he knows his tantrums won’t get him anywhere, but as soon as he approaches me with his “normal voice”, I focus my attention on him.
I agree with the grey hair! I am still learning how to not mirror my child’s bad behavior and negative actions. *sigh*
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It takes practice to mirror positive behavior, you’re not alone!