“The most important thing you will ever give your children is a little of your time.”
- Wes Fessler
We’ve always known this to be true.
But life can get demanding, and overwhelmed parents find they have little time to give.
How many times have you brushed-off your children when they approach you to talk or play?
Life can get tough but you need to spend more quality time with the kiddos because…
A recent study has found that parents who are responsive to their children have kids that collaborate more and use positive attention-seeking behavior.
How’d they figure that out?
Researchers from the Department of Psychology at Concordia University used 2 tests.
First. Parents and children were placed in one room. The former was asked to fill-up a long survey causing the latter to resort to attention-seeking behavior. (Sound familiar?)
- Some kids tried to peel-off their parents from the survey by using high quality attention-seeking behavior (using excuse me phrases as well as smiling and laughing while talking to parents), while others opted for the low quality type (shouting, crying and throwing the pens parents used).
Second. Parents were asked to perform a series of set actions which their children were tasked to imitate.
- Here, they found that children who used high quality attention-seeking behavior collaborated more with parents to accomplish the task. Their counterparts collaborated less.
Nope, we’re not trying to make you guilty.
Here’s the takeaway.
Identify your children’s quality of attention-seeking behavior. If you notice they use low quality methods, do something about it.
If you do, your children are more likely to be eager learners, collaborative and will want to participate in skill-building activities.
“Make it a practice to kick yourself for every time you answer your children with the words NOT RIGHT NOW.”
- Wes Fessler
We don’t suggest you mind your kids every single time they approach you, but when you do, make it count.
Look at them and really listen. They’ll remember that.
So, what do you think of the study? We can’t read minds so please leave a comment below.
About Anne Mercado
Great article. I would like to see more examples on high quality and low quality behaviors. The low quality behaviors seem extreme. I am guilty of “not right now” however I don’t overuse it and my son does not demonstrate the the low quality behavior listed here. I was hoping for a link to more examples. Otherwise this is a “good to know” reminder to pay attention.
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Twitter: sporadictweets
Unfortunately, there are no further examples of the types of attention seeking behavior (tried looking for them on the net). Generally, we have an idea of positive and negative behavior so we can use it as a guide. Thanks for your comment, Kenya!
This is so true, I have been guilty of this crime, and I am not proud of it, but I now no that my kids are my everything and when I am busy and they are trying to talk with me, I just have to look up and listen. Thanks for sharing.
We all are guilty of this. It’s also impossible to always be able to mind our kids especially for work at home parents.
It’s just a matter of finding balance though – which isn’t always easy to do since work can get demanding and we do work for our children.
This is indeed a though provoking article. Somewhere it put me in guiltiness too..:(
Story Time With Little Liya
Twitter: princess_liya
Hi Nishana, didn’t mean to make folks guilty haha. But we all are so you are not alone.
This is so true. I notice it with my own children after I go through a period of busyness where they’ve been told “just a minute” over and over because I’m focused on something else. This is an important reminder that my kids are only little and in the home for a season. There will be a time when I’ll have lots of available time on my hands. I need to give them what they need now and love on them now while I still can.
Hugs to you friend,
~Rosann
Twitter: ChrstianSuprMom
That’s a great way of looking at it. In the future our kids will have their own lives and would rather hang out with their friends. Might as well mind them now while they still want to be with us.
Great post. I am always stressing if I’m giving my kids enough attention!
My week in phone pics!
Twitter: LilHappyHeathen
“Enough attention” is always tricky to determine. But if our children don’t feel neglected, we’re on the right track. I’ve been told by my son in many instances that I work too much.
And we all know that children speaketh the truth
Thanks for this great reminder! I know when my boys want my attention and I don’t give it to them, they start wrestling!
C is for Crime Scene
Twitter: Twinfun1n1
Wrestle? Haha, well mine does naughty things to get my attention.
It’s tough when you’re the only one doing everything at home, so yeah, I plead guilty. Not all the time, though.
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That’s true, it’s very challenging to give kids attention even for stay at home moms. They don’t have off or pause buttons (unless you count sleeping as a “pause”) you can use. When they want attention, they really demand for it.
This is a good reminder. I try to balance the times that I brush off my daughter with times that I put everything down for her. It is hard when most of what we are trying so hard to do is to support our kids but we need to also prioritize time with them!
There’s Going to be an Eggstravaganza!
Completely understand what you mean. We work for them, yet that very thing takes us away from them. Great comment, Mel!
This is a great reminder, I also think it’s important to remember that they were talking about the strategies that the children used. I would guess that the kids learned the strategies from their parents. So if a parent uses more loving, child centered ways to let the child know that they need a minute, you will probably see better strategies than if a parent only gives “Not now” responses. Of course I’m as guilty as the next parent. Great food for thought.
Special Delivery
Thanks for stressing that Kathy. Most of what our kids do are mirrors of how they are responded to. Thanks for making me more mindful of this! You know how when it gets crazy, even the coolest of moms (not me by the way) can lose it.
Very interesting! My son knows exactly what he can get out of me if I am busy. (Especially more video game time!) This is a good reminder to give him more attention.
Sometimes I Wish I Wasn’t a Mom
Twitter: sano2pop
Well I’d like to think my son knows too but it doesn’t stop him from bugging me by doing things I specifically tell him not to. But I think every kid goes through that phase.
Wow! That is super important for us to remember in our busy lives we still need to raise productive adults.
And that’s why you will never hear any parent say that parenting is easy!
this is a good reminder, i love the two quotes because i’m so guilty, i always say “wait” and “later” when i’m busy.
Calea: Blueberry Cheesecake
Hi Michi, the quotes are great; however, I don’t believe in the second one. Our kids have to know that we can’t always mind them, especially when we are working or doing chores.
Hmmm. A part of me feels, yes – you shouldn’t ignore them a lot, but another part of me feels that sometimes, somehow they need to know that as much as they are important in your life, there are other things that require your attention too. You know?
When I’m busy with chores, I try to involve my girls in them too so it’s like we’re doing something together still. If I’m busy with work that requires a lot of concentration, I try to set aside time to do it and I let them know it’s important. Sam gets to sit beside me and read or play with a puzzle if she can promise to be quiet. I think I feel less guilty because now I’m a SAHM and I do spend as much quality time with them as I can, so in the event that I really do need to do something and “ignore” them, it’s easier to justify to myself that it’s okay. And when I do finally get back to them I say thank you for being patient or for letting me work…
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Completely agree with you. They have to know other things also matter to us and we need time to do those. Thanks for sharing what you do with your kids, you’ve shown us how to respond to them.
Interesting, and very true. I try to make it a point that when my sons are wanting my attention that when they ask nicely I pay attention. (Of course the youngest hasn’t figured it out much yet) Trying to train them to not yell out something like “I NEED MILK” I say, how do we ask for something? “I need milk please mommy” lol First one is LOUD, but the second all calm, then I say, ok, thank you for asking that way.
haha raising kids.. never a dull moment.
But its true. I have seen way to many parents brushing their kids off, and then the kids are becoming a terrier to get their attention, it’s sad.
Always a good reminder.
My Two Cuties
In today’s world, more parents have to work while caring for their kids – which puts them in a dilemma. They have to work hard for their children’s future but at the same time, have to give up quality time to do so. It’s gets worse when you think of dual-income homes. Who’s left to the child?
That is true. Dual Income families, or even single parent ones. It would be very hard. That is very true.
The Dreaded Pregnancy
Sad and difficult, right? I wish the community could do more to support these type of parents. Or maybe their relatives should help too.
i agree. my son will even turn my face to him when he is talking to me and he loves when i listen to him even i hardly understand what he is saying. thanks for the reminder Anne!
My kiddo does that too. And you are most welcome, Maye.
It is very interesting to read this comment thread. I am currently engrossed in the beginnings of Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing Up Bebe, a book about how the French parent.
While I am sure that kids who never get enough attention from their parents, whether actual or perceived, wind up with issues, I am concerned with the idea that our kids cannot hear just a moment from us. This is often a very appropriate response, especially once children are 3-4. As adults we have lives and needs (having conversations with our spouses and friends for instance). Are we doing our children a favor by thinking that everything and everyone stops the second they need something? That is not how the world works. Patience and independent play do have to be taught, and as parents that is our job to teach our children.
Please don’t think I am advocating never responding to our children’s needs. Also, this is a hard thing to start when you have been dropping everything for your child’s cry since infancy. I think that as with most, there has to be a happy medium. Telling your child to “wait” before responding to his needs, as well as saying “no” sometimes is important. You can’t prepare dinner for the family if every five minutes you have to pay close attention to the “Look at me!” request.
Sometimes the answer is just “no”. We all grew up with that, and are we so messed up?
Following in the Footsteps
Twitter: momsnewstage
That was a very insightful comment and I get what you mean. Like Kathy said, the study was focused on the quality of their attention seeking behavior, which is indicative of how parents respond to them as well.
We really can’t mind them every single time they want attention (that would drive me nuts!) which is why we must teach them that we have other things to attend too.
EXCELLENT! We’re given the duty and awesome responsibility to raise the next generation…I wish more would put their kids ahead of their wants.
Sharon
Twitter: http://sharon-moms-madhouse.com/
That is true, Sharon.
This is absolutely true!
This post serves as an eye opener for most of the parents who doesn’t have time for their children.
- Jessica
Twitter: Rush_Printing
Yes, that’s the goal here. It’s not to make parents guilty but to challenge parents to internalize the findings and assess how they have been towards their kids. Thanks for dropping by, Jessica. Hope to see you around more.
it is important to let the kids know you are really listening when you are listening to them. no mobile phones, no twitter, no facebook on.
it is also important for them to know that when you are busy, you will get back to them as soon as possible. they will learn to wait… but of course, we shouldn’t do these all the time!
Day Off!
Hi Chris! If you have little time to give, making count when you are able to is important. So yes, there should be no distractions.
This is an awesome study. This is also very true. This is a great reminder to all of us parents to pay attention to our children. Sometimes we may get caught up in life’s work, however, if we make the interactions with our children count, they will love us for it!
The 12- Day Challenge or Get Away?
Twitter: CreativeMama
That’s right. Some say that you should at least give 20 minutes of full attention to your child daily if you’re extremely busy.Whatever it is, we really do have to make the effort. Thanks for stopping by Amiee and hope to see you around.
Parent or not, we adults tend to treat kids that way. Probably because we were treated like that when we were kids. Knowing that it’s probably a cycle would hopefully make us more aware and try to give kids the attention they need
Kiwifruit and Hypertension
That’s true! Parenting was so different when we were kids that we must have been brushed aside one too many times.