Guest post by Khaye Brotonel
Raising a child is hard, doing it alone is undeniably harder.
But that shouldn’t make any single parent out there fear that it could not be done. I was raised alone by my mother, who separated with my father when I was a little over a year old.
She managed to raise me and send me to a good school by working abroad.
I am now a lawyer, with a family of my own. I think I turned out okay, the lack of father-figure notwithstanding.
With this post, I would like the single mothers (or fathers) out there to know that a complete family is not a necessary formula to do well in raising a child.
Based on my experience, these are some of the things that worked well for me and my mother:
Let your child know the truth.
One of the most common causes of raising a child single-handedly is separation by the parents. It is not a child’s fault that the parents have irreconcilable differences, but most of the time, it is the child who is caught in the middle of the undesirable situation.
In my case, the moment that I was old enough to understand, my parent’s separation was brought to light, sans the sugarcoating.
Knowing the battle is winning half of it, they say.
True enough, since I am aware of the real score between my parents, I do not expect my father to be present during recognition days, or birthdays, and other special occasions. When a child is aware of the truth, it helps him manage his expectations and cope with the situation.
Keep the communication lines open.
As parents, we expect our child to open up to us because knowing who they are helps us in raising them the right way (if there is ever a right way).
But, a child also wants a piece of his parent’s mind. You would be surprised how mature a child could get, if you only allow him to be involved.
As for me, my mother would usually tell me stories about her work and the struggle that she had to go through to sustain our needs.
With these in mind, it inspired me to become a better daughter. Thus, I would suggest to single parents to tell their child how they truly feels.
It makes the child realize the battle that the parent goes through, and in the process, makes him want to alleviate the parent’s burden in his own simple ways.
Surround the kid with a loving support system.
I grew up without a father figure, but I had a maternal grandfather who imposed discipline on me like a father would do to his child. Aside from my grandfather, I was also surrounded by wonderful cousins, uncles and aunts.
It made me feel that there was no lack at all – in fact, there was abundance of love for me.
It goes without saying that there is no vacuum that couldn’t be filled up with love and care from other members of the family.
If there is no family members who could do this for your child, close friends could also make him feel special and loved. Just as long as there is a loving support system, any child would feel complete.
Make your child feel that he is part of the struggle.
Yes, do not make it your personal battle only. Include your child in the struggle and make him realize that raising him alone would entail a little help from his end.
As for me, I was constantly reminded to do well in school and reach for my dreams because my mother is working so hard for it.
Being aware of my mother’s sacrifices has given me all the reasons to make good. I had always thought that if I screw up, my mother’s efforts would be futile. It is our struggle, it is not hers alone.
Lastly, take time to relax and have fun!
It is totally understandable if a single parent could hardly find time to relax, let alone spend fun, quality time with the kids.
This holds true especially for single parents who are struggling to make both ends meet – and who would rather spend the last centavo on food or clothing than on a day out at the park capped with a lavish food at a fancy restaurant.
But please do realize that time flies so fast – the next thing you know, your sons or daughters are already walking down the aisle, ready to start with a family of their own.
It would be so sad to send them off with nothing but memories of struggles and hardships to have a better life.
So seize every moment, spend quality time every chance you get, act silly and do silly things with your kids, cut yourself some slack.
They need a strong parent and a good provider, but more than that, they need a parent who can give them love, affection and time.
I firmly believe that it is not the complete set of parents which ensures a successful child-rearing. At least one good parent is better than a dysfunctional set.
And at the end of the day, single parents should not put too much pressure on their shoulders.
These kids are their own person, they will grow up to be who they are destined to be. If the parent has shown them love and raised them the best way they know how, that is already a battle well-fought.
Author Bio:
Khaye, a mother to a 10-month old boy, is a newbie blogger. She is adjusting to the life changes, but is immensely enjoying the happiness that marriage and motherhood now brings. She litigates in court at daytime, blogs at night and drinks coffee in between. You can read her chronicles of raising a child while (trying to) win cases on the side at Legally Mama, which is July’s Blog of the Month.
I have such incredible respect for single parents. Sometimes I have no idea what to say to my friends who are in this situation, but now I know to refer them here! Thanks so much.
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Thanks for the referral, aand hope you had a great weekend!!
Thanks for the referral. I have incredible respects to them, too. My mom topping the list, of course!
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I am not a single mom, but I may as well be. My husband has no desire to parent our son. He leaves everything having to do with our son to me. He is rarely here during the day because he works, but when he’s home, he still wants nothing to do with home responsibility! I treat my life as if I am a single mom.
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Oh Tammy I’m sorry to hear that. At least in the long run, you may look back on and be real proud at the fact that you single-handedly raised your child.
Hi Tammy, like Anne said, I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve always believed that despite the absence of one parent-figure, a child could still turn out to be the best person they can be. And I’m sure you will do a great job being that mother who will bring out the best in them
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Beautiful post. I was fortunate enough to have an intact family growing up, but I had many many friends who didn’t. I have so much respect for my own friends now who are raising their children on their own. This is an encouraging article to share with those single parents.
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Hi Carrie! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. It is full of such great insights, and I do hope Khaye’s mom read this
Thank you Carrie. It’s a bit personal but I enjoyed writing it, I had in mind the likes of my mother who fought long and hard to make it work. And I hope other single moms out there (perhaps your friends?) could gain a thing or two from it
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Single parents – mothers and fathers – have a tough job – but it’s nice to hear stories from friends and others that tell of other family members or community leaders (teachers, coaches, scout leaders, youth group leaders, etc), that are willing to extend their role to help fill any “gap” that may be made.
It makes things a tiny bit easier:)
Thanks for sharing this guest post,
Kristina
Hi Kristina! Even if both parents are around, the community should still be involved in raising children. Like you though, I like the idea of others stepping in to fill the gap.
Well said Kristina. There is really no vacuum that couldn’t be filled up with love from other members of the family/friends/community. We live in such an amazing world!
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My husband travels a lot, so at times I feel like a single mom! I have so much respect and admiration for single moms.
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Haha, I know what you mean about feeling like a single mom, Kristl. But yes, single parents have it rough
Single moms are really tough and admirable. Same goes to those who experience how its like every once in a while, so kudos to you really!
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Such great knowledge to share from a child’s perspective. Great information, thanks for sharing your story.
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Agree with you. I bet this post would make Khaye’s mom feel really great; it validates everything she did.
Thank you Regina and Anne! I really don’t know how to start thanking my mother for doing everything she did. So I just began by sharing our story. Hahahah!
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Very helpful post. I will share this on my Facebook page. A friend of mine who was raised by a single mom often reminds me that it only takes one good parent to raise great kids. That’s encouraging to a single mom!
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Thank you so much for sharing this on Facebook. I will pop on over to your blog now.
Thanks for sharing. And yes, I definitely agree with your friend – it only takes one good parent to raise great kids!
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I am married but actually read this for the advice. My husband travels a lot and I struggle with doing things on my own all the time. I know it is not the same. I have such a respect for women who do it alone. It must be so hard. Great article. Thanks.
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Hope you were able to takeaway something from this post, Lisa. Thank you so much for your comment. And if you feel you need to ask questions, I volunteer Khaye
(Hope Khaye doesn’t get upset with me!)
Thank you Lisa. I believe its hard, especially for my mom who had to be away from me for most of my growing up years. But our relationship turned out to be really great! It’s good that at least you are around your kids most of the time. That’s half the battle won, as I see it.
And Anne, it’s okay! I really appreciate this opportunity and I’m up to answer questions anytime
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Oh, Anne, you’ve got me tearing up! I just wish I’ll know when’s the right time to tell my daughter about what happened to her dad and me. I guess it’s good that she sees her father on weekends.
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Hi Pepper — Khaye made you cry. Blame her! Blame her!!!
Kidding aside, It’s tough to know when you can tell your child everything, right? But people say that kids are a lot smarter than they seem… so your little princess may understand stuff we think she won’t.
Hi Pepper – sorry that I made you cry. I wish I can give you an exact formula of words to say and the perfect age when to say it. I honestly couldn’t recall now how old I was when they told me. It was probably because I was too young to remember – so yes they told me everything at a very young age. And I understood it completely. I hope this helps!
And I agree with Anne. Kids are so much smarter than they seem. Especially at this day and age, so I do hope that everything turns out okay when you tell him
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I like this: they need a parent who can give them love, affection and time. So true.
This advise can even go with the non-single parents. Trust is such an important thing, and including your kids in life, being part of the team, gives them a sense of belonging and I know at least with my son, he LOVES knowing he is helping.
Great advise. 
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Absolutely. It’s easy to dismiss kids and not wanting them to help in a kitchen clean-up because they tend to slow things down. But you know what? It’s better to involve them because, as you said, it gives them a sense of belonging and purpose as well. Like it’s their kitchen too so they should be happy to ensure it’s clean.
Thank you Sarah and Anne. Couldn’t agree more! And I really appreciate that you see the advice as applicable even to non-single parents. I guess when we talk about loving a child, it’s applicable to everyone, to everything else!
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Thank you so much for this post. I was a single mom for two years and these tips would have really helped me. I’ll be sure to pass them on!
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Thanks for passing this on, Shannon.
Hi Shannon, thanks for sharing the article.
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What great tips and not just for single parents! I love how you speak of your own childhood and of your mother. Parenting is not an easy job at all and having all the responsibility must feel overwhelming at times. I love how you said that time goes so fast and to stop and enjoy the moments you can. What a great post, thanks!
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Khaye’s recounting of her life adds something really unique to the post
Thanks Kathy. It was kind of uncomfortable to share my life like that, but I guess the only way I can recount what worked and how it worked is to share a bit of my personal life. And I’m glad that you found it great. Thanks for appreciating!
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It saddens me to see kids grow up without a complete family but single parent like you make the world a better place. Kids need those approaches you mentioned.
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Hi Noir! I think society puts too much pressure on what an ideal family should be. The truth is, even in ancient times, families have never been the mom, dad, and kids type. Like today, death and separation have always been present to “take away” a member of the family.
I grew up in a single-parent household, not because my parents separated, but because one of them passed on. Which is why I’ve always felt kids with single-parents shouldn’t be at a loss for the “missing” parent.
Awesome post. As a military spouse, we sometimes get a glimpse into what it would be like, and it is haaard. Thanks for such an inspiring message; it can be applied in many ways. Especially communication
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Hi Rhonda, I know what you mean when your partner is away most of the time – you do feel you are a single parent. In many ways, you probably are one. I’m happy that this brings inspiration to all types of “single parents” out there
Great article! It is nice to know Im not alone
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Oh, we are never alone when it comes to parenting!
Nicely written Khaye! And great job Anne for choosing a great topic!
I still remember asking my eldest if she was given the choice to decide if her dad and I would be better living in one roof or better off from each other and she answered, ” It would be best to just separate Mom, instead of the two of you fighting almost everyday.” She was just in grade school then but already had a mind of her own. It was not easy but we were able to pull it through.
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