How One Mom Gets Her Child to Listen 75% of the Time
From the archive. This post was first published on the original Green Eggs and Moms blog and is kept here as it was.
How to get children to listen
My daughter is persistent, independent, and clearly knows what she wants and doesn’t want.
All magnificent traits that will serve her well when she’s in her 30′s.
But they can be a minefield to parent around.
I’ve tried a number of different parenting techniques with my daughter, things I used with success on my son, like the Love & Logic program and the 1-2-3 Magic system.
My son is a pretty agreeable kid, easy going and aims to please, so these techniques work well with him. And now that he’s older, he responds to positive reinforcement and gentle reminders like “your socks are still in the middle of the floor.”
However, I’ve often found these tactics backfiring with my daughter, which leaves me to deal with a meltdown or standoff bigger than the one that ignited things in the first place.
Because I feel like I’m starting all over as a parent due to these fails, I’m always on the hunt for new tactics to make things easier. I came across Anne’s “If-Then” strategy and thought I’d give it a try–not entirely certain that it would take.
My first attempt
A typical rough dinner where my daughter is just short of standing on her chair while trying to tell a story (and NOT eating–but that’s another story).
Me: If you stand like that on the chair, then you might slip and fall.
Headstrong Daughter: Oh, okay Mommy. (And she proceeded to sit down.)
SHE PROCEEDED TO SIT DOWN, and she stayed seated!
I was stunned.
I’m sure from her standpoint, it was easier to swallow what I had just said than my usual “Sit on your bottom!” decree.
Now, not all of my attempts at this strategy have been this successfully easy, but there IS something to be said about a non-negative delivery. Like when I find her conversing with Blueberry Muffin instead of putting her pajamas on, as I had requested five minutes ago.
Me: If you can get ready for bed as quick as you can, then we’ll have more time to read books.
Procrastinating Preschooler: Oh, oh, okay, okay, I’m going!
Tempting as it is to give things a negative slant (e.g. If you don’t eat your dinner, then you don’t get dessert), I’ve been trying to remember to push the positive (e.g. If you eat your dinner, then you will get dessert). And it also makes instructions seem less threatening.
The beauty of this method is that it takes ME out of the equation, which tends to get a better response. I’m basically just pointing out the natural consequences of her actions.
The “If-Then” method works with my daughter about 75% of the time.
This approach forces me to pause and think about how I want to phrase a redirection, instead of immediately issuing an order with the dreaded “Because I said so” follow up. And it gives my daughter an opportunity to think about what her options are.
Sure, there have been times when she’ll mull that choice over and decide she doesn’t really care about the consequence. But I’ll take any chance I can get to obtain peaceful conflict resolution with my kids and have them listen to me.
Now … I wonder how this tactic works on husbands?
Have you tried the If-Then approach yet? If so, how did it work for you?
Gina Jacobs Thomas holds the titles of wife, mom, dancer, blogger, paper-airplane maker, princess/fairy costumer, pillow fort architect, and house D.J. She writes about parenting, her current identity crisis, and reviews of kids music on her blog at Full of it… Photo: Source