How to Raise Children to Lose With Dignity

We’re excited to have such an insightful writer as today’s guest blogger. What’s even more exciting is that Jenny writes about a topic that’s very important: teaching kids about losing.

As parents we want our kids to succeed in life, but before they “win” they must also learn to “lose.” Let’s let Jenny show us how to raise children to lose with dignity.

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It’s an unsaid and expected parental role: when you play games with your toddler, you let them win. No questions asked; you’re the adult, when they win they’re happy, you’re happy. Everyone has a good time, everyone enjoys. Win-win!

It should all work out fine, except for one unavoidable fact: in the real world, other children won’t fix the outcome in your child’s favor, and at some point they’re going to come in second — or worse, lose.

I realized this when we first started playing game boards with my three-year old daughter Sam. My husband bought a Dora Candyland Adventure board game, and each time he’d let her win.

And then it hit me: She was winning ALL THE TIME, she didn’t “know” how to lose.

How do you teach your toddler how to lose anyway?

Make it “safe” to lose.

I wanted Sam to lose with me first before anyone else, because I didn’t know how she’d react to the situation. I wanted to be able to process it properly with her. What if she was cried or lashed out, or threw a tantrum? At least if it happened with me, there would be no judgements, no “feel bad” scenarios, no sermons. I would allow her to get it out of her system and talk her through it all after.

Reinforce the positive attitude to losing.

Inasmuch as I make a big deal when Sam wins, I also show her that I am extremely proud when she can be happy for others who have won. No matter how she is really feeling inside, for me it is a big deal that she can give the winner a hug and say “Congratulations!” with a smile on her face, or sometimes even sincere joy.

She can be competitive yes, but what’s ultimately more important is that she had a good time and wasn’t afraid to participate in the activity, regardless of the outcome.

There is a lesson in losing too.

While I do agree that letting them win boosts their confidence and keeps them interested, teaching them to lose properly (with dignity) is also a valuable lesson to have. It ranks up there amongst the valuable life lessons of sharing and taking turns. Hard no doubt, but essential.

It’s never too soon to teach them.

At least, that’s what I believe.

Nowadays when we break open the Dora Candyland game board, we let the chips fall where they may. When Sam wins, she gets the standard winner’s treatment. When someone else wins, then it’s nice to see she happily partakes of the celebration by giving her own congratulatory hugs and kisses.

Of course, when things don’t go her way, she requests that we play another round. “This time it’s my turn to win, okay mom?” Well… it’s a start.

Growing up I learned about losing through actual experience. The adults around me, as loving as they were, could not willingly let me lose against them. And this could be true for a lot of us today. Maybe that’s why our generation of parents are a little ill-prepared as to how to react, behave or even feel about not winning.

I’d like to think that while the previous “method” still works out fine (after all, we all turned out fine, right?), we can do our kids one better, and help them cope with a difficult yet valuable life-skill. That’s what I want for my kids and so I’ve taken it upon myself to try and teach it to them as best as I can. If you feel the same way, then hopefully the points above can help you navigate through this tricky process too.

Author bio:

Jenny Reyes pens the blog, My Mommyology. She currently lives in Chapel Hill North Carolina, where she is a full-time student of the science of motherhood, with her two little girls as her prime teachers. She also moonlights as one of the partners in the marketing consultancy firm called Your Brand Story. Among other things, Jenny enjoys reading, traveling and scuba-diving.

Photo:
Creative Commons from Finding Josephine